I am here in my apartment right now. The thoughts going through my mind are about my own conscious and unconscious self…or selves. Are those two asepcts of my psyche part of the same identity that is “I”, or is there someone else behind the wheel of the unconscious? Let’s start with what we define as conscious and unconscious and see if they are actually two sides to the same coin. So the unconscious mind is described as an inaccessible part of the psyche that is responsible for many fears, beliefs, emotions, impulses, etc., but I don’t like that “inacccessible” part. Maybe it is just difficult to access. I’ll come back to this later after a jog. Maybe if I can access the here and now, and perpetually live in the moment, I can stop this eternal ebb and flow of ambition. But, do I want that?
That run was interesting. My calves were so tight that I had to stop a few times, but they were bearable. I’m thinking about form too much, I’ve trained myself to cue my form so much that now it’s hard to run “naturally” and just let it be. Maybe through meditation I can find that rhythm again. One thing is for sure, the Nike’s that I wear are way too soft. I need to keep running in my Merrell trail gloves. Building my running body and mind will continue to be a process. I started a few years ago while trucking, but on my recent trip abroad I lost it. Now I’m back to it but it’s like tempering a blade, it takes time. It will take the rest of my life really, but it’s something that brings me pure joy. Even moreso than cycling. I think it’s because it’s simpler, more accessible, and less reliant on how big your pocket book is.
It is truly a beautiful day, but of course there is that presence that keeps me from being fully content. I think about how I don’t really own all my own time because I’m off to be an employee tomorrow. Speaking of which, I have to make a program for my client tomorrow morning, be right back…
I’ve learned a little about mindfulness today. Mindfulness is about capturing the present, letting it go, and then capturing the next. It’s about using time on the earth to decondition ourselves from the concept of time. To enjoy the vacillations of emotion, of being human, accepting all positive and negative experiences with the same amount of care and letting them be. I know this momentary living is achievable and it’s right in front of my nose but it’s sort of like arabic to me, I have no familiarity with which to grasp it, even a little. The only way to learn it is through practice, practice that, like running, will take a lifetime. There is that presence though, a steady hum if you will, something that I know is there but which I mostly ignore throughout the day. I feel this presence has something to do with my ego, my desires, my existential yearnings. I’d like to meet this presence, though I think that will take some time. But, if mindfulness ends that presence then I’ll never know what it truly is. My feeling is that it has something to do with the unconscious. I’ll have to dig deep into Freud and Jung to see if they can offer any insight. Or maybe some mushrooms.